Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Four years

Four years... it's so hard to believe. I sometimes think of what my life would be like and I can't even imagine. Would I still be married? Would I have ever had Jackson? Would I be happy? Would life be good or not so good?

I have come so far as a person in the past four years. I can't imagine my life any other way even though I've experienced more heart ache than I ever thought possible. When I was a little girl, I can say that this is not how I pictured my life going. I would do a million things different if given the chance but only on the condition that I would be where I am right now. I know... I know... not possible but still what I want.

I still choke up when I think about Zachary. I wanted him to live so bad but was I being selfish? Would he have had a happy life? Had he actually lived, I'm sure he would have had many disabilites and problems for the rest of his life. Is that a life any child would really *want* to live? I still miss him more than I can even explain and sometimes I think back to those days in the hospital and try to remember what he felt like. It scares me but it's harder to remember what he felt like in my arms. And sometimes I think I only remember what he looked like because I have pictures on the wall that I look at all the time. Without those pictures, would I remember my first child or would I have already forgotten?

I am so thankful for Jackson. I can't even explain how lucky I feel to have him as my son. He's one of the sweetest kids I have ever met - I know I'm probably slightly biased but still. I think I am much more appreciative of him because of everything I experienced with Zachary. I will never take pregnancy or children or life for granted.

1 comment:

Brandi Dawn said...

WOW. I love you for putting your feelings out here for us to see and feel. This was such a powerful post. I have tears in my eyes as I leave you this comment. They always say "everything happens for a reason". This is one of the hardest things for anyone to grasp and understand..especially in how the "hardest thing" was losing your first born. Some day it will all "make sense" and yet that will surely not ease your pain, but give you a small bit of peace. Ok..i'm going on and on. I love you!